


No one needs that many hex keys

by everythingremainsconnected



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Brotzly - Freeform, F/M, Flat pack furniture is the worst, Fluff, Furniture shopping is terrible, IKEA, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: Trying to return Todd's apartment to a liveable state wouldn't be complete without a trip to IKEA... And no encounter with Swedish flat pack furniture hell is complete without a domestic dispute.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For the sake of this fic, Todd's old sofa had to go...

Todd sighed. “I hate this place.” 

“But every single room is its own little apartment! Look, you could have _this_ in your living room!” Dirk pulled a wall-mounted table down with a huge grin. He propped it back up only to pull it down again, displaying its function with an inappropriate amount of delight. “Oh! Or how about this!” Dirk leapt to the other side of the display apartment to a loft bed. “Your living room is _underneath_ your bed!” 

“My apartment isn’t that small,” Todd reminded him. “I can have a real bed _and_ a living room.” 

“Oh. Right.” 

They moved on to the next display room where Dirk fell instantly in love with an outdoor setting and cooktop. Todd crushed his dreams by reminding Dirk of his total lack of outdoor living space. Not to be deterred, Dirk breezed on to living rooms. 

“Ok, if I can find a sofa for less than two hundred, then I think we can leave.” Todd started looking at price tags. 

Dirk started lying down on every single one, dismissing any that were too short for his long frame to stretch out comfortably. 

“Uh, Dirk? What are you doing?” 

“I have to make sure I can fit,” Dirk explained in his somewhat insufferable know-it-all tone. “I’ll be spending a lot of time at your apartment, Assiss-Friend, and it’s likely that I’ll be spending some time either sleeping or relaxing on your couch, ergo, I need it to be comfortable.” 

Todd watched him bounce from sofa to sofa. “Of course.” 

“This one!” Dirk exclaimed at last, stretched out fully on an L-shaped piece. “It folds out to a bed! How convenient.” 

Looking at the price tag Todd rolled his eyes. “Of course.” 

“Please Todd? It’s so comfy!” Dirk pulled Todd to sit down beside him, and Todd was indeed forced to admit that Dirk was right. “There’s added storage.” Dirk showed him the lift up section with what he hoped was a convincing smile. He draped himself across it like a sales-mermaid across a car. 

“Dirk, I can’t afford it.” 

“The universe will provide.” Dirk assured him. 

Todd looked around, waiting for money to rain from the heavens. It didn’t. 

“Alright, _I_ will provide.” Dirk got out his credit card. 

“I can’t let you do that,” Todd protested, finally getting up from the sofa to look at the smaller, less comfortable, cheaper options. 

“Of course you can.” Dirk followed. “It was slightly my fault that your apartment got trashed in the first place.” 

“ _Slightly_?” 

Dirk faltered a little. “Alright, quite a bit my fault.” He looked around nervously at the thought of the Rowdy Three. He shoved his credit card into Todd’s hand. 

Todd looked down at the shiny card. “Are you sure?” 

“Definitely.” 

“Fine.” Todd went back to the chosen sofa to get the details. Dirk did a double fist pump like he’d just won a football game. 

  
*  


Back at Todd’s apartment, Dirk stood staring at the flat pack boxes covering the floor. 

“I don’t quite understand how furniture comes out of this,” the Brit admitted. He nudged a box with the toe of his shoe. 

“We have to build it. Think of it like a series of giant shitty puzzles and the instructions don’t make sense.” Todd sighed and got two bottles of beer from the fridge. 

“Todd, we survived a literal death maze full of death,” Dirk was a bit smug, “I’m pretty sure we can solve a few simple puzzles, particularly if the consequences of getting it wrong _aren’t_ death-related.” 

Todd looked thoughtful for a moment before practicing a couple of small dance moves. 

“What on earth are you doing?” 

“I’m preparing my ‘I told you so’ dance for later.” Todd smiled sarcastically. 

The first attempt at furniture was a small coffee table that was completed with minor squabbling. Dirk rushed to unpack the next box, a nightstand, and laid all the pieces out on the ground. A look of minor consternation crossed his face. 

“Why do we get another one of these?” Dirk held up a hex key. 

“There’s probably one in every box.” 

“But that’s just unnecessary. No one needs more than one of these things.” 

“Yep.” Todd smiled tightly. “Can we get on with it while we still remember how to be nice to each other?” 

Dirk smiled but looked a little pained. “Todd, I can’t imagine a situation in which we _aren’t_ nice to each other.” 

Less than four minutes later Dirk flung a chunk of particleboard to the floor with a strangled cry. 

“When I asked you to hold it still that did _not_ mean to throw it away!” Todd protested. 

“It doesn’t fit, Todd! There is no way in this universe that slot A could possibly correspond to point Q! And certainly not with these _ridiculous_ tiny screws!” Dirk cried. 

As the bickering intensified the pair were eventually aware of a distant rumbling sound. It was almost like thunder, if thunder came out of the engine of a vandalised black van. 

“Not again!” Todd cried as he rushed to the window. 

The Rowdy Three van screeched to a halt outside his apartment building. 

“No, no, no,” Todd whispered. 

Amanda leapt out of the front seat in ripped jeans and shirt, huge boots and her too-big black jacket. She swung a baseball bat easily in her hands and howled. The van shook in response. She turned and closed the door behind her, talking to someone in the front seat, before approaching the building. The destruction was minimal; she only kicked one flowerpot into shards and didn’t break a single window on her way up to Todd’s apartment. 

“Ding dong,” Amanda said with a wicked smile. 

“Thank Christ,” Dirk rushed to let her in. “I’m going to kill him.” 

Amanda laughed. “Get in line.” She swung the bat out of habit before resting it beside the door. “Get out of the way,” she shoved Todd back from the furniture assembly. “Make yourself useful and order pizza. Me and the boys will have four carnivore supremes.” 

“Amanda? What are you doing here?” Todd stared as she easily solved the slot A/point Q conundrum. 

“Dirk texted for help. It looks like I got here just in time.” Amanda smiled humourlessly at her brother. 

“You did what?” Todd looked at Dirk, horrified. 

Dirk met his eyes unashamed. “Do you know how to spell ‘divorce’, Todd? I-K-E-A. I looked it up.” 

“Aw, you guys got married? Where was my invite?” Amanda joked. She had half the nightstand up already. 

“It’s not like that,” Todd attempted. 

Amanda paused her furniture building to roll her eyes at him. “Todd, please.” 

“Hey,” Todd mumbled. 

“Whatever. Where’s your hex key?” 

Dirk handed it over with a smile. 

“How are you so good at this?” Todd asked. 

“How are you so _bad_ at it?” Amanda retorted. She finished the nightstand and moved to the next pack: the sofa. 

Todd ordered pizza and was then put to use as a furniture horse, propping up pieces of particleboard and holding screws in place as Amanda worked. Dirk ended up lounging across the end of Todd’s bed, watching the siblings otherwise totally ignore each other. 

“You know, you could help build this if you wanted to.” Todd said eventually. 

Dirk smiled and was at once infuriating and charming. “Now Todd, I’d only get in the way of the finely oiled Brotzman construction team.” The doorbell rang and Dirk flinched. 

“Dirk, if that was the Rowdy Three, they would not be ringing the bell.” Amanda reminded him. 

“Uh, I knew that.” Dirk recovered, badly, and opened the door to find a pizza delivery boy carrying a mountain of food. 

Amanda finished building the sofa and went to the window, put her fingers in her mouth and made an ear-splitting whistle. The doors of the van opened and the torrent of chaos that was the Rowdy Three emerged, howling and swinging blunt weapons. 

“Amanda, no,” Dirk stammered, trying to hide in the kitchen. 

“Amanda, yes,” she replied with a smile and opened the door. 

Martin came through first, threw his baseball bat behind him and pulled Amanda into a tight hug. Gripps caught the discarded bat easily as he followed with Cross and Vogle. 

“Guys, you remember my brother Todd and his boyfriend Dirk?” Amanda introduced them. The Rowdy Three glared. Martin had his arm around Amanda’s shoulders in a most definitely familiar way. 

“Uh, Amanda? What are you talking about?” Todd asked, his voice a little strangled. 

“I’m helping. You have about as much game as a swan with a head injury.” Amanda winked at Dirk who looked very pleased with the turn of events, considering one of his greatest fears was within energy-sucking reach. “You got any beer?” 

When the Rowdy Three finally left, there wasn’t a beer or pizza slice in sight. 

Todd watched them pile into the van from his apartment window. He tried not to have an aneurism when Amanda pushed Martin against the side of the vehicle and kissed him very enthusiastically. 

“Shit,” Todd cursed. Dirk came to the window and echoed the sentiment. 

“Probably best not to think about it,” Dirk said, awkwardly patting Todd’s shoulder. He went to sit on the freshly built sofa and sighed very satisfactorily. 

“Which leaves me thinking about what Amanda said earlier.” Todd turned away from the window and looked at the holistic detective on his couch. 

“You have as much game as a bird with a head injury? What does that even mean?” 

Todd sat beside Dirk, keeping a respectful distance. “It means that I don’t know how to ask you to be my boyfriend.” 

“Well that’s easy. Todd, will you be my boyfriend?” Dirk asked like it was the simplest thing in the world. 

“You know what that means, right?” Todd asked. His heart was just about in his mouth. 

Dirk smiled. “Of course. It means that we fancy each other and only each other, right? Or is there some American-ism I’m missing?” 

Todd nodded. “Uh, nope, that’s pretty much exactly what it means.” 

“Excellent!” Dirk gave Todd a sly look. “Does that mean I get to kiss you whenever I want?” 

“Yes?” 

Dirk leaned in and pressed his lips to Todd’s, enjoying the warmth and taste of him. Todd moved closer and ran his fingers through his new boyfriend’s hair with a happy sigh. 

“I’m sorry I made you get a sofa bed I’ll never sleep on.” Dirk said eventually. 

Todd simply smiled and pulled Dirk to him for more kisses.


End file.
